Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
