the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
