I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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