When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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