it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
