If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
