omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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