he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
