Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
