i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
