My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize