So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The feeling are messing with the penis
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
how drunk are you?
Several
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
