did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
