i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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