What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
