I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
