Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
