so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
