OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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