True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
