i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
