90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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