so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
