I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
