I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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