Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
