someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
