I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Operation Purity has been aborted
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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