Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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