I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
