I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
