I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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