Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
