so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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