is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize