There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
