Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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