Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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