So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
