Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
