You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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