I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
