how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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