I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
