stop calling my apartment porn island.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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