Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
