I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
