my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
