Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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