Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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