Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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