considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
