I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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