dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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