he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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