i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
