Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i believe in u and ur pee
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
