I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
